Postpartum nights out.

Recently, hubs and I indulged in a night out. Graciously, hubs took the role of designated driver, nanny came round to babysit, I purchased a new dress all systems were go!

Here are some observations on how nights out have changed post baby:

Pre Baby:

Spend time selecting outfit, shoes, matching underwear and jewellery

Spend hours getting ready, bath, exfoliate, hair make-up

Shave everything

Drink excessively

Take selfies with friends and random people you meet in the loo

Discuss current events, who you hate at work where you want to go on holiday etc.

Drink even more excessively

Stagger into an eating establishment you wouldn’t touch with a barge pole when sober

Stumble into a taxi two to three hours later than you said you were going home

Get home, begin seduction of partner with no regard for noise or furniture

Wake up late morning regretting food and alcohol choices from previous evening, spend all day watching Made in Chelsea drinking coffee and eating nutritionally questionable food

Post baby:

Pick whatever dress is clean/fits from wardrobe between bathing/feeding and entertaining baby

Have quick shower when hubs gets home, shave only what will be on show and only if it’s excessively hairy (noticeable from a distance)

Tuck saggy tum into ginormo pully-in pants wear whatever bra happens to be clean(ish)

Try to keep safe distance from infant to avoid getting chunder on only clean dress

Greet babysitter, apologise for the mess (carpet is mostly rusk) feel pang of guilt as you leave your tiny person

Get to drinking establishment, one which is decidedly more sedate than where you would have frequented before baby, talk mostly about your baby

Text babysitter for update on condition of offspring

Show friends/bar maids/bouncers pictures of your baby

Text babysitter for update on condition of offspring

Drink quickly, you’re out; need to make the most of it

Text babysitter for update on condition of offspring

Feel fine until you get hit by the air sniper, find taxi go home

Attempt to appear sober and responsible in front of babysitter

Have big ideas with regards to seduction but pass out on bed before you’ve even kissed

Get woken early by offspring intent on ensuring your hangover is a torturous as possible

Put episodes of ‘Hey Duggee’ on repeat in desperate attempt to keep offspring content whilst you drink cold coffee and put together a lunch

Drink copious amounts of coffee throughout the day and wonder why the hell such an insignificant amount of alcohol has caused a hangover of monumental proportions.

Wake up the following morning with all the symptoms of a hangover…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Author: thebumpchroniclesblog

Thirty year old first time mum, sharing parenthood experiences/fails.

1 thought on “Postpartum nights out.”

  1. You’re certainly earning rights for an impressive pension benefit in parent retirement. Don’t get your hopes up though. My two are mid thirtyish. Still can’t parent retire. Ooops gotta go. The phone is ringing…..

    Like

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