Simple Pleasures

I’ve had a lovely day today.

Well after all the rejection I suffered this morning! I heard the bald kitten get up at around 5.15am, hubs was fast off so when the boy staggered in I asked if he wanted to get in with Mummy. ‘No’ was his simple, swift and chirpy reply. I felt a tad put out so when I heard Captain miaow I felt smug as Captain is a mummy’s boy. Imagine how I felt when he blanked me and curled up on hubs! That stung. Furry little ball bag.

After being shunned by all the boys, we started with something festive, off to the garden centre to see all the Christmas decorations, the boy was good for a bit then put a swift stop to that and was SATAN for the remainder. I’ve made a large mental note of all the decorations I’m going to buy when I get paid.

After the morning fun/wrestling an angry and unreasonable toddler we dropped him at my parents. His cousin is there as it a ginormous crate of Lego. The boy has been finding all the wheels and scooping Lego up into a cup and pouring it back into the tub. I think he likes the sound. But it should keep him amused for a while.

We popped back home and got to do all the things we don’t really get to do on a weekend. I had a bath, a deep bath, with the bathroom door closed. No bald kitten to add a boat, then ducks. Then himself. Then make me put cold water in. And I’m pretty sure every time the boy gets in the bath with me he has a wee.

The real magic happened when I got out the bath, I read my book, in the middle of the day THEN I HAD A NAP! An actual nap. Without being poked in the face, jumped on or shouted at! There has been NO PAW PATROL on in this house this afternoon. I got ready to go out without a toddler gouging chunks out of my makeup. And applying brow powder to the side of my face whilst exclaiming ‘ahh, that’s better!’

I’ve had a full face of makeup on. I took full advantage of being able to do it uninterrupted and I’m pretty sure I’m wearing a little bit of every cosmetic I own. Probably look a bit OTT, but have no regrets. Then we went out, for a meal. At quarter to 8. Quarter to 8!! I can’t tell you the last time we left the house at this time! We ate with family. Not a single Fruit Shoot was ordered. Hubs and I hadn’t brought a single car with us. We didn’t have to ensure another plate of food was a suitable eating temperature before starting our own. There wasn’t that point when we had to leave early because a tiny human can’t and simply won’t sit at a table whilst grownups talk about boring crap that isn’t the Paw Patrol. Hubs and I ate safe in the knowledge that if anyone did a poo, they’d be sorting themselves out! No mid dinner bum changes for us! Huzzarh!

I’ll feel sad tomorrow though. I love the sound of his door opening and him coming in for cuddles. (Even if they aren’t for me!) When he decides it’s time to cuddle Mummy and wriggles his little bottom towards me, shoving Miaow Miaow into my face for cuddles too.

Hubs and I have work to do, so however early I want to retrieve the bald kitten, jobs first! We are clearing the soon to be nursery so it can be painted. Work that is quicker and easier without a two year old ‘helping’. The plan is Madre is popping round tomorrow and we’ll get it painted. The only thing to do after that will be brave Ikea to get the furniture. Then hopefully I’ll be feeling a lot more ready for Little Pea’s arrival. The Bald Kitten has been cuddling bump a lot recently saying ‘Hello baby, see you later baby!’ Hopefully he feels the same way when baby gets here…

In other news:

My innie is now an outie and I can’t tell you how much it freaks me out!

I have eleven weeks to go. (Shiiiiiiit)

Last night my MIL laughed so much she gave herself a nosebleed. Good times!

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Is today over yet?

Someone has stolen my son. They have replaced him with an angry unreasonable demon that I can’t wait to put to bed.

Hubs has popped out for afternoon tea with a friend (how very British!) and I’m stuck with the spawn of Hades. He’s poured squash on the carpet. Tried to pour it in the wheetabix tin. Tried to kick Captain and laughed at me when I told him off, demanded an apple that he’s not frigging eating and had an absolute shit fit when I sat down with some cashew nuts. He didn’t want to share he wanted them all. So stormed out of the living room into the hallway, shut the door only to (frequently) open it and shout ‘That’s mine mummy!’

Can’t a girl eat a bowl of nuts in peace? Can’t she do the ironing without the little sod throwing a ball at her? Can’t her offspring listen when she tells him to stop pouring squash over his trousers?!

Not. Today.

I am in the ‘very to extremely’ pregnant bracket now and tired. I’m so tired I could cry. All I was is a nap and a snack I can eat without being shouted at. That’s not unreasonable is it?

He’s been affectionate at times today, but that’s mostly involved climbing on me and jabbing bump with all his pointy limbs. In fact most of his affection today has been downright painful.

In my head, there are so many things I’d like to do. Like carry on sorting the room THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FINISHED NURSERY BY THE END OF OCTOBER!! I need to get the pictures up in the hall. The same pictures I’ve been meaning to do for over a year. I need to dust the light on the landing that has now become a giant spider palace. I need to get that last bookcase out of the ‘nursery’ I need to investigate why the bald kitten from Hades’ teddies smell mouldy and I need to wash them. I need to clean the cupboard by the cooker. It’s truly revolting in there which is weird as it’s mostly got boxes of tea in it.

And I need to get my head around the fact that I’m having a baby in February. Because I haven’t got my head round it yet. Not even close.

But I don’t want to do any of those things.

I. Just. Want. To. Sleep.

That is not an option. So we I’ll try and neutralise the demon with a bubble bath…

In other news:

I’ve been listening to Christmas songs. This will form my daily soundtrack from now until NYE.

90% of my house is sticky.

I think the bald kitten is having a poo as I type. This really is the day that keeps on giving.

The first day of the first month of the new year. Time to get honest.

Call me cynical but I purposely refrained from any sort of ‘Have a happy new year’ post on Facebook this year. My refraining from any sort of post on Facebook is rare but I couldn’t face pretending to be optimistic about how fantastic this new year will be. That’s not so say I think it will be awful, but every year I get lured into the looking back over the year and planning on making the next one brilliant. It’s almost as if I’m setting myself up to feel like I’ve failed somehow when once again I don’t lose that excess weight, or stick to an exercise plan or remember to put money aside to pay my car tax…

When Big Ben chimed midnight, Will was tucked up in bed, I  had a glass of wine in my hand, shared a kiss with hubs and felt content.

Content.

That has not been an easy feeling for me recently. I’ve not discussed the reason for my extended absence from writing because quite simply, I felt ashamed. Last year (I can say that now) my anxiety returned. Slowly at first, the odd fleeting feeling that something terrible was about to happen. An occasional night of broken sleep. I ignored it. Pushed it back, telling myself ‘I’ve dealt with this, I’m just being paranoid.’ But it got worse. If you’re curious as to what it’s like, I can only offer you my experience of it. Imagine believing that every day when you go into work, you’re going to get fired. How that would make you feel and behave. I am convinced that every day I am at work, my boss is going to pop into my office, tell me I’m terrible at my job and ask me to leave. I think I am terrible at my job, and I’ve told myself I’m terrible at my job so many times that often, I am actually terrible at my job. I’ve hidden under my desk several times, called my husband ‘just talk to me please babe’, he knows the drill, talk about anything and keep talking, until I say ‘Thank you I’m okay now’, then creep out from under my desk hoping no one is walking past, but ready with an excuse of ‘Dropped my sodding pen, it rolled under the desk, what am I like ay?’ Deception seems to be a big part of it.

I am nervous around family, because I feel they have meetings to discuss what an awful mother I am. How my husband would be so much better off without me and how they would do a much better job at raising my son. I’ve wanted to leave my house but found the prospect of getting myself and the boy in a fit state to go out so utterly daunting that I’ve sat and cried. And when my little boy stops in his tracks and gives me a worried look, furrowing his tiny brow unsure of what  to do next, I stop the tears and smile. Make my voice as jolly as I can and try to distract him with a game or a book. He knows my joviality is a lie, and I wonder if that’s why he’s changed towards me. I’ve pushed him away with my lies.

Now I have seen a doctor, I am seeking the appropriate help. I’ve overcome this once before and I will do it again. My social media accounts will still portray the version of me I want everyone to see and I will not mention this again after this post. But if you’re struggling;

Get help.

You’re not weak. We all know someone who doesn’t believe anxiety is a thing, who will air quote ‘anxiety’ when they say and make you shift uncomfortably, but not correct them because god forbid anyone discover you’re having mental health issues.

Fuck ’em. Do right by you, fragile, imperfect, wonderful you.

Will 2018 be ‘my year’? Probably not, due in no small part to the fact that I have no clue what has to happen to make it ‘my year’.  On the plus side, with a estimated world population of 7.6 billion* people, it’s bound to ‘the year’ for someone.

In other news:

Hubs and I thought a nice family walk would be a lovely new year activity. Turns out William did not share this opinion and every time he was put down to walk he wailed and refused to move an inch (unless it involved throwing himself on the floor).

Captain has decided his new favourite place to sleep is my pillow. Even if I’m using it. Unperturbed he just curls up on my face.

At 31 years and 11 months and two weeks old, (and after one large glass of wine and three cocktails)  I finally got my nosed pierced.

 

*Thanks Google!

 

Where has our baby gone?

Okay, so that’s a bit dramatic, and just to be clear we haven’t lost him.

I’ve been growing increasingly annoyed at the state of William’s room so have just spent the last hour or so ‘sorting’.

Shortly after we brought Wills home from the hospital we had a lot of visitors (none of which brought food, apart from my little sister, if people try to visit you without food, don’t let them in! I am serious; no food = NO ENTRY). Many came bearing gifts (of the non-edible variety) we had some beautiful clothes in size three to six months, I remember holding them up thinking ‘Shit! This is MASSIVE it’s never going to fit him!’

Well they did fit him, for about five minutes and now….

they are too small.

Too small.

He’s growing so fast he’s eating solids, he’s sitting up, he does a sort of crawl (sort of) he giggles, turns when he hears his name, splashes in the bath, smiles and reaches out to other babies.

What seems like only five minutes ago, he ate and slept.

I’m not sure how I feel about this, I’m not used to being a mum yet. There are so many things I’m unsure of, I feel like I’ve gotten a job I wasn’t quite qualified for and soon people will start to notice that I have no bloody clue what I’m doing or what I should be doing. I feel everyone has something to say about how we parent, apparently paranoia is a big part of it. Nothing quite damages your self esteem like bringing up a human.

And nothing makes time go by so quickly. People told me to enjoy every second and although some seconds are far from enjoyable, they’re right.

And when time has left us older, wiser and saggier, and our little boy is all grown up and we are left with a gaping void to fill….. we’re getting a puppy.

In other news:

Captain has been stalking a spider that seems to be residing in the living room. The spider, being both superior in leg and brain power, has continued to outsmart him.

Marms is still seen only fleetingly.

I’ve just completed my first week back at work.